Day 134 - Day 136

January 15, 2010 - January 17, 2010

I wake up Friday and decide it's time to re-organize my apartment. This feeling doesn't come by very often, so when it does, I jump on it! My apartment is so organized, I'm insanely impressed with myself. Everything is in bins and bags, labeled, and put away nicely! I'm so proud of my OCD with organization! Since I don't have cable, TBS is my best friend today! I catch up on the shows The King of Queens (my favorite), Everybody Loves Raymond, Friends, Seinfeild, and the Fresh Prince of Bel Air! It's fantastic! I made it a completely indiot-filled television day!

I meet a friend to see the movie, "It's Complicated." So cute! It's hysterical! I really enjoyed it! And there are so many cute movies coming out- "The Bounty Hunter," "Dear John," "Valentine's Day," "Spartacus," etc. Awesome flicks! On my way to the theatre, I head to Duane Reade to pick up some candy and a Diet Coke--I refuse to pay $10 for a bag of candy! On the way, I walk by two guys, and one says, "Dannnnnggggg giiiirrrlllll...you look like ketchup!" Excuse me...what?! Ketchup?!? Really? What the heck does this mean?? Another guy I used to work with says, "At least he didn't say you look like pickle relish!" LOL! He makes a good point! ;) I tell ya', I've heard some pretty good pick up lines in my day, but this has to be towards the top! Ketchup! Yum! Maybe it means I look tasty! Ohh la la! Hehe, gross!

After the movie we head to The Snug for Happy Hour! Yes, their Happy Hour is from 11 p.m. to 1 a.m.! It's awesome! Four bucks for a martini! It's a hole in the wall place, but it's so much fun! We then venture to a cheap pizza place, where I get what New Yorkers like to call, "white pie." It's loaded with three different kinds of cheeses. Sounds amazing? It is. However, I often forget that I am lactose intolerant, so it makes me a little sick. Yeah, yeah...lactose intolerant is funny, I know. But it's no fun, let me tell ya'!

We then head to Latitude--it's a bar in Hell's Kitchen, where we meet up with friends from Planet Hollywood! It's so great to see everyone! Once we realize it's 4 a.m., we all head home. I'm walking home with three other guys from work, and once they realize that I'm the only female walking down the streets, they decide it's not a good idea I walk home alone. Especially since I'm with three other guys, and other men are still cat-calling me, saying things like, "Hey baby, everything will be okay." No, it's not going to be okay! I want to wake up and see tomorrow! So, one walks me home! So nice of him!

Once I get in my building, guess who's working? The doorman I asked on a date the Friday before that. We don't mention it. But I do talk to him for about twenty minutes! He 's a chef! He just works here temporarily! How cool is that?!?! A man that can cook? Sign me up! Good-looking = check! Good cook = check! Good personality = check! I've got all of the necessary qualities covered! ;) Another guy walks in and starts talking to the doorman. (I keep calling him doorman because I honestly don't know his name. I know that's bad! I'm awful with names!) Anyways, I say goodnight and the one guys says, "Oh I'm sorry, keep talking. I'm going to bed." I say, "Oh it's okay!" He says something and I respond with, "Oh, well are you going to go to bed?" (as I motion my arms to the elevator). He says, laughing, "Well, sure, if I'm going with you!" Yikes! That's not what I meant! He looks like a black Krusty the Klown from the Simpsons!

So, at 5 a.m., I finally get to bed. Not with Krusty! I wake up on Saturday and head to IKEA! I love that place! It's probably the best home furnishings store ever invented! And it's in Brooklyn. It's my first time going by myself there! I love it! It's so homey! I could live in Brooklyn! I get to IKEA and just have a hay day! I'm buying things for my best friends wedding shower in March! She's from Des Moines and since we don't have IKEA there, I decide to get her a few things. As I'm walking around, they have the neatest little trinkets! I realize that I'm talking out loud to myself as I'm looking at things. "What the heck is this?" "What do you think you use this for?" "This is cool!" Yeah, I wondered why people were staring at me. ;) So, I come across this trinket called a "skimmer." It looks cool and it's on sale for 99 cents! So, I buy a couple! I figure I can use it sometime while I pretend I'm Semi-Homemade with Sandra Lee! ;) Another thing I'm fascinated with...mini-stainless steel bowls! Only two inches tall! How funny is that?!

I realized while I'm on the subway, how much it reminds me of the ride Space Mountain at Disney World! You know on Space Mountain, how it's dark, makes funny noises, and you're constantly ducking for fear your head might get chopped off? The subway is somewhat similar. You go through dark tunnels, the lights randomly turn on and off while you're riding, and you're somewhat nervous you may die!

While sitting on the subway, there is a really cute Englishman. I know, me and Englishman...it's meant to be! He's tall, slender, blonde, wearing glasses, with jeans, a button down shirt, blazer, and Converse. I know what you're thinking...he sounds gay. My luck...he probably is! I do tend to attract the men that are sexually confused--hence, a guy I once dated in Chicago, who turned out to be gay. But that's a whole other story! I keep checking him out and think I'm being conspicuous because he hasn't noticed yet. Another gentlemen, sitting close to this guy keeps looking at me. I keep thinking, why is this old man staring at me? I will tell you. The guy I keep checking out...turns out to be his son! After the blonde, British babe, says something along the lines of, Dad, we're getting off at the next stop, I sink into the bench and want to die! I just got caught on dad-radar, checking out your rather attractive offspring!

Sunday, it rains all day and the wind is ferociously blowing. I get a really nice umbrella for Christmas--it's a necessity in this city. I laugh to myself, at other people, who are carrying cheap umbrellas, like I used to. I'm thinking, haha suckers! Wish you had one of my umbrellas! Well...karma sucks! As I'm walking home from work, I'm talking on the phone and a HUGE gust of wind comes, turning my umbrella inside out, and pulling me down the sidewalk! I'm saying, "Oh my God! Oh my God, Maddie! My umbrella is out of control!" People are laughing at me as I'm trying to get this monstrosity of an umbrella turned right side out! I continue to walk home, and am now talking to my mother. Again, the umbrella pulls it's rather un-humorous stunt. I just close the umbrella and walk home in the rain! I'm not even dealing with the thing anymore. I can't see walking down the street because my glasses are covered with water drops--I need windshield wipers for them, my hair is wet, and my clothes are soaked. Whatever!

Note to self: Don't back down against other city-goers who are vicious with their umbrellas! Why do you have to be the one to always move? Stand your ground! Even though you poke pretty much every person that walks by you with your huge ran catcher, don't feel bad! They deserve the love tap...it's your kind, Midwestern way of saying, Move it or lose it jack-o!

Day 31

October 7, 2009

I am up early today to get ready for a much-anticipated open call for a serving position. Serendipity, the historic restaurant for Frozen Hot Chocolate, is hiring and my friend tells me I should go. Long story short—the owner was a bitch. She was like the lady on the Maxine greeting cards, looks and all—hates life, so wants everyone else to be miserable. I do not get the job because “I need full commitment.” Apparently going home to see my family for Christmas is unacceptable. She hands me my resume and I leave. Old, haggard, B!

As I am walking, I venture down 5^th Avenue—the most fabulous shopping Mecca in Manhattan; at least in my opinion. I aspire to one day, walk into Cavalli, Gucci, Escada, wherever, and buy anything I want. The glamorous, workingwoman is what I like to call her. I’m walking down 5^th Ave. carrying my $50 Canal Street Chanel tote, thinking I’m hot stuff. After I slap myself across the face and wake up to the reality that everyone on this street knows my bag is a major fake, I start to laugh to myself. Just an FYI, there are four major staples everyone New York woman has: an LV (Louis Vuitton), a shirtdress, costume rings, and tall, flat boots. Can we say, “Daddy I need to borrow your MasterCard.” =) Just kidding.

Work is interesting tonight. A grandma wants to take a picture of me by myself. Okay. Single grandson? Let’s hope so! She is a sweetie! Think back to when you are asked to fill out paperwork. You usually fill out what’s requested, right? I mean, they wouldn’t waste ink if it weren’t necessary. So, when they ask for your social security number and yearly income, don’t look at me funny. Don’t inevitably ask, “Do we really need to fill this out?” No, it’s on their for fun—in hopes to make you laugh. It’s a simple fill-in-the-blanks game. You chose to play, so follow the damn rules!

I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE European men! Oh my goodness! There is something about their accent and jeans they wear. The jeans, let me tell you, are the most fabulous fitting, dark-washed denim I have ever seen! When they come up and talk to me, I’m in heaven. You know when they say you can be in a crowded room and not know what anyone else is saying because you are so drawn to one person? That’s what it’s like with me on a daily basis! I probably always look like I’m in la-la land. But I can’t help it. Those dark eyes, tan skin, free flowing hair, and charming personality get me every time!

A guy comes up to me tonight and says, “That’s some John Travolta statue over there. Ya’ know I worked with John Travolta? He’s a great guy…” Then, all I hear is blah, blah, blah…I also know Leo DiCaprio…blah, blah, blah…I also knew Heath Ledger…blah, blah, blah. If you supposedly work with these high-profile celebrities, why are you wearing cinched sweatpants? He tells me he has connections in journalism and asks for my number. I ask who the person is. “Just someone in the industry,” he says. “I’m sorry, but I’m a little hesitant on giving you my number. What if you’re a psycho? I don’t know.” I say to him. Then he goes off on how I need to have faith in humanity and whan, whan, whan! So, I’m supposed to give my number to a man who “knows” all these people—well, sir, that John Travolta statue you were bragging about is actually Arnold Schwarzenegger from the movie Terminator. Why am I going to believe a man who doesn’t know classic movies? You supposedly work with these people!

To make it better, a friend from work recognizes him from the train. This profusely sweaty man approaches him, telling him he should be a model and wants his contact information. My friend, drunk, gives him his card—he gets an e-mail: male foot fetishes. Hmm…can we say weirdo?! To avoid confrontation, I ask for his e-mail. He not only “doesn’t know” his e-mail address, he “only gives it to celebrities.” He says, “How am I suppose to know when I get an e-mail from an Ashley that it’s not Ashley Judd. I’m going to type my e-mail being like, ‘Hey Ash Judd, how’s it goin? And it’s really you.’” Really? Get away from me you over-stuffed Michelin paparazzi man!

Note to self: When the General Manager of your company catches you on your cell phone, make him listen as to why. Don’t let him arrogantly walk away from you and “tattle” on you to your supervisor. YOU’RE THE GENERAL MANAGER! Have the balls to tell your hourly employees yourself! Who the hell do you think you are? Obviously not a good GM—if I had a dollar for every time someone came in asked me where other restaurants are in Times Square, you wouldn’t have to pay me you English prick! Be a man, get over your shit-tastic self, and confront ME with your problem and don’t threaten my job to someone else. And p.s., I was on my phone, Googling an address for one of our guests! British bastard!