I have survived my first month! I don't know how, but I did. I want to thank everyone who follows my blog and I hope you all are enjoying it! Today is a perfect blog to commemorate my first month as a New Yorker!
Everyone says McDonald’s coffee tastes the same, if not better than Starbucks. I take the challenge today and am not impressed with Mickey D’s. First of all, they don’t let you prepare your own coffee. When they ask how many sugars I want, I can’t really say how many (5) because for a small, they’re going to look at me like I’m nuts! And I don’t like cream; I like milk. They suck at preparing my morning caffeine kick!
Which brings me to my next point—who drinks decaf? Honestly, what’s the point? Coffee doesn’t taste that good to where you drink it simply for the taste. You drink it for the caffeine, people! And Mickey D’s caffeine is terrible! An hour later, I was ready to put my head on my desk and catnap. Those beautiful golden arches let me down!
While at work, I stumble across this awesome website! Check it out! It’s so damn funny! It’s just about random conversations bloggers over hear all over the city. Here are a few of my favorites!:
Girlfriend: I just don't get people.
Boyfriend: I love you.
Girlfriend, panicked: No, you don't!
Boyfriend: But I do!
Girlfriend, walking away mumbling: I just do not get people! –Central Park
Boyfriend: I love you.
Girlfriend, panicked: No, you don't!
Boyfriend: But I do!
Girlfriend, walking away mumbling: I just do not get people! –Central Park
Taxi driver: Why'd you double park? I'm trying to get through here!
Guy: Why don't you go suck a dick? --Times Square
Guy: Why don't you go suck a dick? --Times Square
Beautiful angry woman on cell: I had told you to meet me at 116th Street because I got my hair in my bag! My weave hair! I had wanted to do my hair later, because it's too damn hot to be sitting up in that place. But I'm not going to no damn barbecue with weave hair in my bag!
--The Bronx
Woman exiting car: There's this bump between my ass and cooch. I think I should get that checked.
--W 4th St
Woman on cell: No! He wants a fight and I'm going to fuck her up! I'm going to snap that bitch in half! (pause) I will snap that bitch in half! (pause) Okay, I love you too. (hangs up) Oh, she messed with the wrong bitch!
--27th St, between 6th and 7th
CLASSIC!
So, a guy stops me in Union Square and asks how much I pay for my haircuts.
Me: $30
Guy: Perfect. I work for a promotions company and we are targeting women (he puts his hands above his head and twirls them around like he’s creating a bun with his hair) for a salon who like to hide their eyes.
Me: I don’t like to hide my eyes.
Guy says arrogantly chuckling: Well, I figured you did because you’re still wearing your sunglasses. (As he gestures putting sunglasses on)
Me: $30
Guy: Perfect. I work for a promotions company and we are targeting women (he puts his hands above his head and twirls them around like he’s creating a bun with his hair) for a salon who like to hide their eyes.
Me: I don’t like to hide my eyes.
Guy says arrogantly chuckling: Well, I figured you did because you’re still wearing your sunglasses. (As he gestures putting sunglasses on)
Really? You just said that to me as the sun is shining in your face? Of course I’m wearing my sunglasses you jack! One: to protect my eyes from the rays; and two: to keep creepers like you from stopping me and wasting my time telling me about a deal from an almost-promised janky salon. Sorry if it appears I’m not paying attention…I’m not. I cannot take my focus away from your Austin Powers, yellow-encrusted looking teeth.
My friend and I stop by a stand selling marijuana paraphernalia—“Oh, is this stuff for your weed?” I say aloud. “Ashley, shhhh!!! No!” She points to a sign and reads it, “It’s for tobacco use only.” Okay, whatever. I ask, “Oh, is this an electronic cigarette? I just wrote about these for my job!” They laugh, “Umm…not exactly.” It’s for weed. The guy says laughing, “She doesn’t know. It’s alright sweetheart, you don’t know.” Yeah, apparently I needed to pay closer attention in college when everyone was doing it. Who knew you could put weed in a makeshift cigarette so when driving down the road, no one knows! Clever!
Best part of the day—Max Brenner’s. A restaurant dedicated to chocolate! Oh man! It is sinfully delicious! The ambiance is smooth and cozy, very chocolate-esque! We order the most amazing potato skins I’ve ever tasted. But the best part: dessert! Oh my God is all we can say! I’ve never been at a table of woman who were more quiet! We can’t take our eyes off our plates, or keep the forks out of our mouths!
My dessert: Chocolate pizza. Two slices of crispy crust, milk chocolate sauce with creamy peanut butter oozing off the top and sweet bananas scattered all over. I had an orgasm in my mouth! O’Anna’s dessert: Peanut butter crepe. A crepe filled with milk chocolate and peanut butter, accompanied by caramel covered bananas, Dolce de Lecce ice cream and more caramel sauce. Amazing! Kelsey’s dessert: Waffles. Sounds odd, but they were topped with dark chocolate and Dolce de Lecce ice creams, whipped cream, chocolate sauce, and chocolate beans. It is a party in my mouth!
Note to self: Don’t try and crack your neck while walking down the street. When you trip over yourself, let it go. Don’t try and fix it by continuing to crack your neck back and forth—you just look like you have a twitching problem. Then don’t stop in awe when you see The Donut Pub. Although you are amazed, your round ass does not need those sugarcoated circles of delight. Now you simply appear to others as a junk-food fatty with a mild case of turrets.